My nerves seem to be getting the best of me. I tossed all night finally falling completely asleep around 4am. I got around 2 solid hours of sleep: however I feel less tired and more anxious. My appointment this afternoon seems pivotal, I’m sure it really isn’t but I guess it’s anxiety about meeting our doctor under different conditions.

Part of it is me trying to cope with feeling like I have failed before our process has even really started and this week I think has been magnifying my insecurities. I guess I want answers but I am also scared we aren’t ready to hear certain answers.

The fears are turning in my head and I am beginning to worry that while I was trying to be realistic and calm … I have instead begun to resemble someone who is already defeated and removed. I am trying not to set myself up for disappointment but I think maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe feeling the fear more honestly would be more effective.    

I am doing this appointment solo, as J just started her new job and we both feel its best for her to not ask for PTO upfront. I am alright with this but must say I would be more comforted with her by my side.

I don’t know what to expect… I guess we will see…

I’ll post later with an update and hopefully a kick ass plan to get me knocked up.