An encounter with loneliness:
A blogger I follow recently posted about feeling lonely… And I found myself reading her post multiple times to determine why it resonated so deeply for me. She wrote about her partners experience with unemployment and then reemployment and I thought maybe that was the connection but it wasn’t quite that. Then finally as I was reading her post again last night – it struck me. The connection I was making was more direct than I initially thought. I realized… I too feel lonely… Even amongst this huge community of support, I’m lonely.
This weekend I made a trip to a local IVFiers home. Someone who posted on craigs.list about left over meds from a previous IVF cycle. I didn’t know much about her but I had a picture of her in my head. We emailed back and forth and finally made a plan. She lives just minutes from us – I rang her bell and waited. I didn’t expect someone so young to answer. Like me, she was someone the fertility world considered young, maybe mid-twenties.
Her home was beautiful and modern, with clean lines and dark bamboo flooring. But it also felt sad with a sense of unkempt loneliness. She invited me in and we immediately began talking – in-depth talking – which caught me off guard. Like kindred spirits both having experienced the depths of TCC pain. I could almost breathe in her loneliness and it resonated with me.
I wasn’t meeting with someone who had been blessed by IVF and as a result was currently fighting off morning sickness. I was meeting someone who went to the same RE office as me and being young like me, everyone thought they would reach success with one try… Well they didn’t. Not with two either. And now they’re done. And as I stood there I realized she is the person I will be – if we aren’t blessed with beginners luck.
She gifted me menopur, some vivelle and a few other items. I could sense she didn’t want me to leave – she longed for connection. I could feel her pain and it was overwhelming and her loneliness wrapped around me. She asked me to please keep in touch and I promised I would.
As I walked to the car I contemplated my own loneliness. Most of the real life friends I started this process with are distant now. Our relationships are strained. I fear my support system isn’t what it once was and I fear I will lean too much on my wife for support. I feel the fears mounting. I feel scared and alone. I seek stories of others currently beginning IVF but I find none – I’m alone. And I’m scared.