I think a huge part of me is still in disbelief… I’m still grasping for proof, still trying to convince myself that we’re actually pregnant. Two blood tests have confirmed it. A week’s worth of home tests clearly show darkening lines and even some symptoms are developing. But it’s not that easy to believe – the reality that I’m more solidly pregnant than I’ve ever been.
My identity and self-esteem have been so closely tied to infertility – that we’re not so easily separated. I’m not sure where the last year’s experiences and my coping end? I’m a different person and it’s taking me time to adjust. It’s not that we’re not excited – we’re elated. It’s not that we’re not grateful – we’re beyond. It’s just taking time to learn how to be on this side.
Infertility became more than a diagnosis– it became an identity. It was who I was… And I don’t think I can feel cured overnight… I guess I should just feel blessed. I need to take time and focus on trusting my body – the same body I fought against with such determination, for the last year. I feel it’s similar to learning all over again, learning how to trust in something that in the past has only ever let you down.
It won’t happen overnight and we’ll just take it day by day. I’m working to trust a little more each day. I asked my wife last night if I could have just 2 sticks over the next week… Just two… please I begged… because as hard as I try– this isn’t something you can quit cold turkey… She said NO! But I woke this morning to find one box… We are getting through this differently and I love that she knows this was a compromise (just 2) and it’s what I need right now. And if it turns out to have been the wrong decision – she will still be in this with me…
So… Thank You from the deepest place in my heart! For all the wonderful congratulatory comments, the emails and the love. I feel it! I’m still in awe of just how much encouragement, advice and nurturing I’ve received from this community and we’re feeling beautifully blessed because of it!