Fears & a poll

This is another one of those posts. A post that details the worry that has crept in. Where I breakdown everything I’m obsessing about. This is the post where I’m intending to give my wife a break from hearing about my fears over the past few days. So this is also your warning. This one won’t make the fun to read list and may not even make much sense. But I need to write it out.

I’m around the half way point of this pregnancy, although a little harder to pinpoint with an unpredictable due date. But I know I should be settling in and feeling more comfortable. So why am I freaking out?

I tossed all night. Finding my brain just wouldn’t shut off. For a few weeks I’ve been feeling what can only be described as baby shuffling. I’ve relished in the babies after dinner active periods and felt lots of twinges and pokes on my left side especially… We’ve laid in bed at night noticing lumps and bumps of baby parts protruding and this has reassured me of their presence.

Until a few days ago when my reassuring tummy sensations stopped. And the fears started settling back in. The constant sickness is gone and now again I find my brain working overtime to explain away my fears. I’m angry that my prior miscarriages have tainted this pregnancy for me. That my over analytical personality keeps me awake at night worrying about everything. That I feel the need to constantly ask my wife for reassurance that the babies are still in there. I frequently wonder why I can’t just relax and have faith?

This morning. Having been awake for a while, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I turned on the lights and demanded J inspect my belly for signs of life. Of course she’s half asleep and unenthusiastic about my latest demand for reassurance. I tell her I feel my belly looks smaller, feels different and at 5am I decide it’s a good time to question if the babies are actually still in there.

Here’s the takeaway, I think I’m bordering on obsessively crazy. I don’t think I’ve always been this person. My wife claims I haven’t but I don’t know exactly how I got here. Was it the previous losses compounding my already controlling personality that created this person? I’m not sure but I’ve decided I’m not calling the doctor. I’m not feeding the pregnancy paranoia and instead I’m waiting with pretend confidence until next week. Where we will see our beautiful babies and order will be restored. I’m riding on the weekend coming and going quickly as it’s packed full and resting on reassurance by early next week.

I’ve added a who’s inside poll… I guess to combat the worry and prove myself wrong at the same time. I think holding onto the fear for me is a safety blanket – used to protect me from getting hurt again. But what I need to realize is nothing would make a loss at this point hurt any less. So it’s time to just move forward. Even if it’s pretend a few days out of the week.