untitled:

Untitled seems fitting right now as much of everything we do is very purposeful but also unrecognizable. My reality seems to swing from basking in the feeling of being desperately and instinctually needed to being inadequate and lost.

Breastfeeding twins was always something that scared me to the core but in an undefinable way… It was fear of the unknown. Where now it not only scares me to the core but frustrates me to no end. We started out rough in the hospital and this possibly hindered our potential from the start due to supplementing too early.

Our girls weights are still bouncing around and dropping more than rising. Saturday Squeaker was down 1/2 oz. after gaining 1oz the day prior and turtle was up .2oz after dropping 6oz the day prior. It’s frustrating and emotionally draining… It’s my one major job and most of the time I feel like a failure for not providing for them better.

I long for that stress free breastfeeding relationship and those late night gazing sessions and milk drunken smiles. Now we did make some huge changes at our last doctors appointment and I hope it’s a turning point for us. We’ve stopped feeding the girls separately and now tandem feed, which I didn’t think would be possible but we are doing it. Kind of. It takes time and patience but I think we are making progress. It’s truly amazing to look down and see them both latched and sucking simultaneously. So with this we’ve also dropped the use of the breast shield and upped my pumping. Which on a side note  – I despise.

For now these are my thoughts… Breastfeeding seems to be at the forefront of everything I do and every thought I process. The whole routine takes nearly the amount of time we have between feedings – so honestly it seems to be all I do these days. Get the girls ready to breastfeed, feed them together, supplement them both with a bottle, pump and then REPEAT… Mamas please tell me this gets easier.

But we are so in love with these girls and how could we not be… They are absolutely incredible and we are learning and growing together which is intensely gratifying and overwhelmingly wonderful. They are nearing the two-week mark and are such little people now – with distinct personalities and are beyond amazing.

Harlowe(L) Ainsley(R)

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