unwritten posts:

Many blogs have lately been trending towards scratching below the surface and posting with more honesty. Well, to be honest (pun intended) … this is intimidating for me. Many of your deeply moving posts have centered on relationship struggles and have detailed break-ups or past unspoken challenges. And as I read your posts I started to realize the impression I’m leaving is rather one dimensional. Lacking depth and honestly lacking honesty…

I guess, what intimidates me most… is I too have been rather fluffy lately. I feel the major reason is I had months of gloomy posts during my bedrest period, preceded by miscarriages and months of struggling to get pregnant. So now I feel we have everything we’ve ever wished for and to speak of our trials would be read as ungrateful. So please don’t read this post as that… because we are bursting with gratefulness and love for our girls! But in the quest for honesty… I’m making an attempt to start by introducing some of the posts I hope to write – on topics I’ve censored in the past few months… Maybe I’ll even try to tackle one a week or maybe just putting them out into the universe is enough?

Some lost posts:

  • Confessions of a twin mom… Raising twins is really hard. Like the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes we all cry and sometimes I let them cry longer than I feel I should. But it’s only when the other twin is crying louder or longer. Sometimes I wear my pajamas all day and sometimes so do they. I usually choose taking the time to make my morning decaf over combing my hair or taking a shower. My house is pretty messy (at least by my standards) and really only gets cleaned if we are having company. I notice I physically and emotionally check out when J gets home and I need that time. When I don’t get that time for one reason or another, I breakdown. I put my girls in their swings fairly often and we even went on a number of trips last week to purchase a replacement swing when one died and the first replacement was CRAP! I need the swings and I’m sure some would say I over use them. But I only have 2 arms. Oh the confessions could go on and on.
  • Milk woes… Struggling to make enough milk to feed twins… How I did it and what sacrifices I made. Formula guilt and twins weight gain. The meltdowns, the successes, and where we are now.
  • Identity. When I went on bedrest I essentially lost my job, my career and it’s associated ties to my identity. I’m at home, currently on unemployment and feeling lost. Everything I am right now is tied to my children and that reality scares me. Where do I go from here and who will I be when I do?
  • Finances, or the lack there of! We are struggling. Attempting to adjust to one primary income is hard. This reality isn’t sustainable for all that long. We aren’t hurting in major ways, we are able to pay for the necessities but we are struggling in the ways that would make this parenting thing easier. Like say, a second car? I’m currently home alone with out a way to leave and it’s starting to wear on me. But we can’t qualify for a car with one income and my student loan debt! So I feel stuck and the winter is coming and I’ll be more stuck.
  • Balancing parenting responsibilities… How to share responsibilities and not hurt each other’s feelings? Being home all day with the girls has meant that at times I can anticipate and respond to their needs more quickly. This has resulted in many hurt feelings and late night arguing about when I should step in and when I should step back. I don’t like hearing my girls cry but I think sometimes I step in too quickly and trample on J’s ability sooth them.

I hope this is just a start to more honest posts to come. Thanks for reading and following even with the fluff.