Emotional mess…

This describes my current state of being. And if we’re being honest, mess might not be messy enough to cover it…

I accepted a job today. A job that before having the girls, I would have been ecstatic about. One that falls in my “dream job” category but instead today I feel sick. Literally ill and weepy. I miss my girls already and I haven’t even started. I’ve been crying all day and I just can’t envision how I will do this. Leave these little ladies every day.

How will I be able to do this? (advice or experiences greatly welcomed!)

I’ve been searching for the last few month as my unemployment is ending soon. And we weren’t going to be finacially alright on just my wife’s salary. So I began the search being rather picky but knowing at some point I would have to settle. And I mean this in the sense that, I would need to get serious and actually take a job offer. Not just continue looking, interviewing and being uninterested.

Well I guess today is that day. I’m heartbroken and confused. I thought I would be more excited or at least more SANE about this… but I am not! I’m a hot mess.

Today another thing is making me sad… In a good way I guess. My wife put in her two week notice. After crunching the numbers her job just wasn’t making sense with the cost (500 weekly) of placing twins in daycare. So she will be staying home with them and I will be going back to work. I’m sad because she liked her job and because we didn’t really have a choice. We looked at all the combinations of options including us both working but we would never see our kids. She worked far away and with gas etc. she would almost be paying them to work. So this is what it is.

I’m excited (or at least not weepy which is huge) that she will get more time with them, as she only took 4 weeks when they were born. I always got the best hours of their days and now she will. They’re are such cool little people and I’m thrilled she gets to see that more now. But I’m also so sad I wont.

I know this move is the absolute best thing for our girls. This means they get to be at home with one of their mommies for even longer. This is sadly a luxury that many don’t get and I’m grateful we can make this work. But I’m also just sad our honeymoon period is over. I don’t want to leave them.

The other thing that has me all emotional is, I’m scared as hell. I’ve been the “bread winner” for us before but not since the girls have been here. There is so much more pressure now to not fuck up. To be a rock and to balance it all. This is a huge job, a new job and one that I just hope I’m not in over my head with. I guess fake it till you make it might be coming into play soon?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and I just want to crumble. I want to ride out my unemployment in my happy bubble not thinking about how unsustainable it is. I want to stay with my girls and be their world. But instead I’m plowing forward. Taking a chance and pretending to contemplate being brave. I have a few weeks to perfect it I guess.

I know there are lots of working mama’s out there… How did you do it? Any advice on making the transition? I guess I should purchase some run proof mascara for starters and maybe additional pump parts?