Those who know me well probably won’t be shocked by this post. Deep breath… I’m feeling restless. Just a little bit. Maybe in a good way? Like I’m on the edge of newness and just need a little courage to jump. I’ve started determining what the main reasons are but that doesn’t mean I know what to do about it.
A huge part of me wonders how, mothering twin toddlers, juggling a fulltime job and working on a relationship that’s going on its 10th year. Isn’t enough?
A part of this restlessness relates to our home. Our home was on the market. Now it’s not. It was a place I once loved and now I don’t. I’m jealous of others who can easily move… Or who love their homes and are refinancing. Both things we can’t do. I’m jealous of play rooms, back yards and simple things like mud rooms. I feel stuck. Tied to a home that no longer meets our needs and actually made my daughter sick. I’m frustrated and it’s starting to wear on me. We are waiting for work to start to hopefully fix a few of these items. At least if we are stuck the home should be safe in a few months. But that won’t make me hate it any less.
So I think this is a huge part of my restlessness. I’m longing to be out. Longing for a place where we can really plant roots and stay a long while. Where now – we keep stopping ourselves from doing anything because we don’t know how long we will be here, we’ve already lost tons on the home and we don’t want to be here at all. It’s a horrible limbo to be in.
Next up is… my career. I’m not happy. I’m trying to keep this on the quiet side because… I’m lucky to have a good job. One that allows my girls’ mama to stay home with them. A job that gives us health insurance and lets us spoil the kids entirely. But if this space is about honesty and truth… I must share that I’m rather miserable.
I’’’ admit that I’m someone who is easily bored. Someone who masters jobs quickly and then gets restless. I fully understand that this is my history. But when I tell close friends that I’m not happy and they aren’t surprised, it hurts a little. Like people expect this of me and that predictability just plays into my mounting guilt. I know this is my style to be bored after about a year but this feels a little different. Like parenthood has changed me. Maybe that doesn’t matter… maybe being a grownup really is about making sacrifices. But it all makes me wonder if sacrifice is really the problem?
A little background. I was once a social work major, way back… when I was dreaming big and untethered to reality. I changed majors down the road because I didn’t see the field fitting my dreams well enough and I think I got a little jaded by reality. So, I changed to something much more corporate. But along the way I got pigeonholed. I have unique combined expertise that is hard to find. Which has made getting well-paying jobs relatively easy… But I’m growing to hate this type of job and my overall field immensely. I’m realizing they don’t have enough heart. I’m struggling with being away from my babies as is but to go to a job that doesn’t have huge purpose… is just starting to piss me off.
So I’m in the process of a few things. Pretty much all of which are 100%-200% crazy. I’m getting closer to deciding yes to applying to graduate school … Right, totally crazy! I had my phone screen yesterday. I’m compiling all my documents and if accepted I will be looking at stating in January/February. The thought of fitting in 500-700 hours of intern hours is filling me with worry but also a little twinges of excitement. The thought of being away from my girls any more than I am now is filling me with doubts. I’m still debating doctorate vs. unlicensed programs. But leaning towards licensure. Meaning more schooling.
On top of this. I’m also researching other employment options and fields. Trying to see if my expertise can be meshed/molded into anything that would potentially make me a little happier in the meantime.
My wife’s solution is get off the grid… Downsizing will bring happiness. Buy one of these and a little piece of land somewhere like this and just leave. If you haven’t looked at this company you really should! Maybe move states… maybe start consulting… This is a little too scary right now. But I’m not crossing it off all together. I’m inviting my wife to make this option work and when she does I’m on board.
So… I could really use a little feedback. Some blog support would be absolutely lovely!
- Many of you who I read diligently, have pursued higher education with little ones at home. How did you make it work. Would you do it over again?
- Anyone out there have a similar restless soul, when it comes to careers… How do you manage it.
- Any readers went off the grid or moved and took a big leap? How did you start the process?
- Anyone love their jobs as much as you possible can? What do you do and why do you love it.