Transitions…

We are in transition here. We feel it and so do the girls. Things are changing and we are all trying to keep up. I’m starting a new job in a little over two weeks and my lovely wife will start her last week at her job tomorrow. Our roles are about to flip dramatically and my emotions are aware of the coming changes. It feels like the universe is testing me a little and most days I’m handling well. But then there are days like yesterday… When I feel everything is slipping.

We woke up and I planned on baking a frozen loaf of bread for breakfast, until I discovered it wasn’t solidly frozen. Ensue PANIC. I had been keeping all my frozen milk in the same freezer. I had months worth of frozen milk. To be used if I had to return to work. Which if you’re keeping up… is in just a few short weeks. I lost it. Imagine, collapsing into a pool of tears on the kitchen floor. Devastated, angry and decidedly declaring that I would not be returning to work. EVER!

I eventually calmed and called LeLeche and we decided that almost all of my milk was actually fine and only a few on the top showed signs of very early thawing. So we acted fast and I went to purchase a small chest freezer. Which saved my milk, sanity and maybe our marriage! Now I have a freezer just for milk in the basement and have recommitted to returning to work. However, maybe a little more timidly.

So, we are getting things togther. Trying to start working out what the girls schedule will look like when I’m not home to feed on demand. Ironing out naps and feedings. Working hard to get the girls out of swaddles, introducing more foods and getting them to take more regular naps, eventually exclusively in cribs. We are succeeding on most of these and still have some time. So you see… things are really in transition. Big time over here.

So hold on… posts to come detailing what returning to work looks like for a mama of twins. I’m sure I’ll be posting lots on the challenges of work/life balance and I don’t doubt there will be some lulls along the way as we settle in.

So, let me say thanks in advance for continuing to follow along!

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Giggle talk…

I realize my blog is becoming video heavy… but i couldn’t resist.

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so big… (updated)

Confession time: until today… Our girls have been napping in their swings.

I’m not totally sure why? Most likely a combination of habit and simplicity… I qualify with… having two is hard! But today with my back to work transition approaching and their recent increasingly short swing naps. I thought lets just try something new. They’ve been sleeping well at night in their cribs, going in awake and so I thought… Maybe I can trick them into taking naps in the same way.

So, we read two stories. I took the one I knew wouldn’t scream instantly in the darkened room first. Swaddled her on the changing table, turned on music/humidifier and set her in crib. Repeated with second baby and slowly walked out.

Nothing… not even a peep. A few foot shuffles. Then total silence.

It was so quiet I went back in a little while later to see if they were just hanging out. Nope. Both completely passed out.

Clearly these girls are getting big. As we keep finding they are ready to transition and move onto new things, long before we are ready. Imagine this is just the beginning. Hoping I haven’t jinxed myself with this post but I’m just so proud of them I had to share!

Update: 

It’s only fair to include that our 2nd nap went horribly… both cried super LOUD and eventually I nursed them and they both passed out… for a hour. We all napped. It was nice but also very counterproductive to nap training. Transition no matter how ready you may be… does still take time. 

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sitting…

To be fair… my other beauty is sitting on her own! and loving it. Proof:

 

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jumping…

These girls are so delightful… I just had to share my girls new love of jumping! (I’ve also noticed she seems to know her name and the word jump)

 

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Emotional mess…

This describes my current state of being. And if we’re being honest, mess might not be messy enough to cover it…

I accepted a job today. A job that before having the girls, I would have been ecstatic about. One that falls in my “dream job” category but instead today I feel sick. Literally ill and weepy. I miss my girls already and I haven’t even started. I’ve been crying all day and I just can’t envision how I will do this. Leave these little ladies every day.

How will I be able to do this? (advice or experiences greatly welcomed!)

I’ve been searching for the last few month as my unemployment is ending soon. And we weren’t going to be finacially alright on just my wife’s salary. So I began the search being rather picky but knowing at some point I would have to settle. And I mean this in the sense that, I would need to get serious and actually take a job offer. Not just continue looking, interviewing and being uninterested.

Well I guess today is that day. I’m heartbroken and confused. I thought I would be more excited or at least more SANE about this… but I am not! I’m a hot mess.

Today another thing is making me sad… In a good way I guess. My wife put in her two week notice. After crunching the numbers her job just wasn’t making sense with the cost (500 weekly) of placing twins in daycare. So she will be staying home with them and I will be going back to work. I’m sad because she liked her job and because we didn’t really have a choice. We looked at all the combinations of options including us both working but we would never see our kids. She worked far away and with gas etc. she would almost be paying them to work. So this is what it is.

I’m excited (or at least not weepy which is huge) that she will get more time with them, as she only took 4 weeks when they were born. I always got the best hours of their days and now she will. They’re are such cool little people and I’m thrilled she gets to see that more now. But I’m also so sad I wont.

I know this move is the absolute best thing for our girls. This means they get to be at home with one of their mommies for even longer. This is sadly a luxury that many don’t get and I’m grateful we can make this work. But I’m also just sad our honeymoon period is over. I don’t want to leave them.

The other thing that has me all emotional is, I’m scared as hell. I’ve been the “bread winner” for us before but not since the girls have been here. There is so much more pressure now to not fuck up. To be a rock and to balance it all. This is a huge job, a new job and one that I just hope I’m not in over my head with. I guess fake it till you make it might be coming into play soon?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and I just want to crumble. I want to ride out my unemployment in my happy bubble not thinking about how unsustainable it is. I want to stay with my girls and be their world. But instead I’m plowing forward. Taking a chance and pretending to contemplate being brave. I have a few weeks to perfect it I guess.

I know there are lots of working mama’s out there… How did you do it? Any advice on making the transition? I guess I should purchase some run proof mascara for starters and maybe additional pump parts?

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Just because…

I’m so in love… These kids are so beyond wonderful! They are becoming such funny and loving girls. And I soak up our time together. Knowing our closeness won’t last forever. Knowing there will be a time when someone else is entrusted with their care. A time when they push me away instead of sharing open mouth slobber kisses. A time when they are too busy to talk or spend time together. So today… I treasure this time. With these amazing girls. Who I think are just so COOL and who make me feel like a super human. Who laugh at my jokes, even when they are lame after a night of interrupted sleep. Who snuggle and hug me with such excitement. Who giggle and smile when I enter the room. Who beam when I sing and smile when I raspberry their tummies. You two sure know how to make a person feel special.

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5 Month Letter:

A month of smiles

Well beautiful babies… Today, January 4th, is the day we found out we were expecting two babies. This day, last year… our world shook a little. I think mamas’ hearts both grew in that moment. The moment we realized we would be a family of four. At that instant it seemed impossible to imagine… how we would go from 2 to 4… how we would grow so much, so quickly. But now. It seems endlessly right. We are perfect and comfortable and completely in love with every bit of you two.

Looking back at the past year amazes and overwhelms me. We got lucky my girls. I am forever grateful to me little Ainsley, you were so determined to stay put in your safe womb. My sweet girl, you successfully kept mommy pregnant for many months beyond everyone’s expectation. And it has been incredible to see your persistence and determination continue to develop on the outside.

You are a tough one and we love every second of it. Your personality has really been taking shape this past month and for starters you are becoming quite loud. You are vocal about everything but especially your toys. You hoot and holler, like you’re directing a three-ring circus. You yell with the best of them and often sound like you’re in distress, when in fact you’re simply being LOUD.

This loudness also peaks when you’re frustrated. And this month a number of things have frustrated you. You aren’t a content baby and instead want to move a mile a minute. You want to be sitting, crawling and standing but especially you want to be constantly moving. Your sitting unassisted for the most part but still will topple over when you get tired. But you can go a long time just sitting with a fun toy propped in front of you. You can reach and bend in half and now can even confidently pull yourself back up to your seated position. We are so proud. Stomping is another addition to your locomotion this month. Your favorite stomping grounds are the bathtub where all you want to do is stand watching your rubber ducks and stomping your feet. You started with just the left foot but have since added the right.

My little peanut, you love being tossed in the air and flown about the house. You giggle profusely and lean your open mouth towards ours encouraging us to continue. You are still our little people person and can be entertained by a human face for hours. This month you started really reaching for things. Not with one hand but in the cutest way imaginable, with both hands. You reach your little arms out, completely parallel and direct them at your favorite things. Your favorite things to reach for are people. You like giving us your hands and will giggle endlessly when we kiss your fingers. You’ve decided they are especially delectable and try endlessly to shove them in our mouths. Other things you enjoy reaching for are the pets, people heads to grab their hair and food. You hold things very confidently and direct everything to your mouth. You hold things with precision and can tranfer from hand to hand and hand to mouth without fail.

Self-soothing is a newer thing for you and this month has brought huge strides. You rest quietly before and after naps and when we peak in, we find you observing and smiling at your surroundings. Quietly talking to yourself or sister. This soothing has also improved our car riding and you are now happy to sit in the car observing your surroundings, smiling at your toys and passing out. You go down for naps quietly and wake rested and extremely happy.

Harlowe, my big girl… Your growth continues and we just can’t get enough. You are such a delight. I don’t doubt you too had a hand in deciding your length of stay in mommy’s warm womb. I appreciate that you let your sister have her way, and to you my girl, I am equally as thankful to you for staying inside as long as you did. But honey. When mommy was done towards the end there. You could have given in and convinced sister it was time, No? As we know you’re persuasive.

You are our little thinker. Always analyzing and contemplating your growing world. You play with deliberation and seem to process constantly. We can see your brain working and your play holds a great deal of reflection. You learn from your actions and we notice you change your play to accommodate this knowledge. You talk with your toys and seem to have convincing debates with anyone or thing that will listen.

This month the jumper has become one of your favorites. You have learned to shuffle your feet and we find you doing it constantly. You shuffle in the swing, in your crib, in the tub and most recently in your jumper. This motion has taught you to get the jumperoo really going and we will look over and see you really flying. The floor is still your favorite toy. We think you like the viewpoint and enjoy the freedom the floor provides you. You can roll from side to side and pivot your body to view new things. You aren’t reliant on anyone else and you can choose your own direction.

Food is your thing my girl. You reach for it, pull it away from us and direct it towards your mouth. You watch us eat with impressively trained begging eyes and get excited when you see your feeding bowl and spoon come out. You wiggle your hands with excitement and anticipation. You reach and squeal with delight. When the food stops coming you become quickly vocal, demanding more. We are looking forward to next month when we can start trying new foods with you.

Harlowe, you’re also nearing sleep freedom as we have recently been transitioning you out of your swaddle sack. Every night when we would retrieve you for a dream feed we would find one free arm flying around greeting us with excitement. So we decided to start freeing your one arm and see what happens. Well, you loved it and surprisingly it hasn’t hurt your sleep either. If anything it has improved your sleep. My girl, you were ready. Now we find you have taken a huge liking to finger sucking. We will hear you over the monitor sucking your hands and when we get you in the morning hours your one hand will be all slobbered. It soothes you to sleep and we are happy with that! Its even taught you to like the passi and this too can be a wonderful thing.

My sweet babies, you’re growing so fast. How far we’ve come this past year amazes me. This time last year you were around the size of black beans and now you are little laughing people. People who brighten each and every day with such intensely condensed and deeply honest loveliness. It’s a pleasure to be your navigator, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Love Mommy

5 Months… Almost half a year… Our girls:

Ainsley standing

Harlowe 5 months

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Happy 2012

Yes… this is being posted on the same day as the Christmas update. Need I say I’m again behind. We are still adjusting to balancing twins. Growing thriving beautiful twins. Things are constantly busy and blogging is constantly being pushed to the back burner. Maybe that can be a New Years resolution.

But for now a few photos from our girls first day of 2012.

Happy New Year!!!

Brunch family photo

Ainsley and Mommy

J & Harlowe New Year Brunch

Ainsley passed out

Harlowe milk drunk Brunch

Mommy & Girls New Year Morning

Ainsley passed out @ Buca New Years Eve

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Photo heavy Christmas post:

Christmas was a full and wonderful… Overwhelming and calm. All in one brightly wrapped package. The girls were totally spoiled and by the end completely exhausted. Which resulted in a few 8 hour sleep stretches that were absolute heaven.

I fear we didn’t take enough photos, which happens when each mama is holding a baby but hopefully we captured enough. Hopefully we will remember enough to fill in the blanks and all together create wonderful memories from our girls first Christmas.

There were lots of gifts, lots of cuddles and overflowing love. Lots of new faces and many they knew. It was full of wonderfulness but honestly I’m also happy to be done. We are tired and ready for some resemblance of a schedule to reenter our lives.

Hope everyone had a blessed holiday! A few photos:

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